You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
