I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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