the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
