Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
