OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
