Apparently you make a good broom.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
