Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
