I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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