Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
