my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
