I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
