someone get that fucking seahorse.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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