chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
