I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
