the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday