I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Randomize
