so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Acid is not a monday night drug
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.