I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
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My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
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I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.