even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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