you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
