i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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