Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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