I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
