capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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