Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
These tits shall not be calmed
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
