do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I could make wine with my vomit
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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