Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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