The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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