Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
zippers are such a cool invention
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
