saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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