I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
