I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
