She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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