I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
