I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
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Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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