Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
