things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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