It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
