after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
