your thong is hanging out like whoa
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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