it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
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dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
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I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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