Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
