The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
