Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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