I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
