I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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