a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
