I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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