Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
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You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
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we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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