I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
