i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hippo gnu deer
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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