Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
