Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
