Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
