so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
