Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
