She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
