chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
