Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
